A snapshot in time
I screamed into my hands, tears streaming down my face. I opened my eyes and blinked up at the fluorescent lights in our lab office. Suddenly, I noticed the second-year graduate student standing, looking down on me as I lay on the floor. The short, freckled, pixie cut redhead had her arms folded her across her chest. How long had she been standing there? I groaned and covered my face again. “Um, I know you are having a moment, but I’mma need you to get up off that disgusting floor. We have new recruits coming, and we have to convince them that this is the best lab ever, so that they will join and I can graduate. The senior most grad student, crying on the floor isn’t really helping our image.” She gestured emphatically while over annunciating her ts. She reached out her hand, I grabbed it and pulled myself to my feet.
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What would you tell your younger self?
College will be fun, but it will be hard. You won’t be the best in your class, in fact, your future best friend will be. You’ll be…eh…average. You will struggle in a math class, that you will end up dropping. It will actually feel like a failure. And you know what? Ma and Babi will still love you at the end of it. It doesn’t mean you, my dear, are a failure. In fact, you won’t be the best at anything, or so you will think in college. But don’t measure yourself against other people. You are special.
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Mental Health and South Asian Americans
People react differently when you hear “she’s undergoing surgery…” vs. “she’s suffering from clinical depression.” So many times, I have heard that “mental illness is an American problem”. Well truth is, we are Americans, and children of immigrants—which comes with a huge burden. We are learning to navigate a world that is different from our friends and vastly different from our parents.
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Waiting for Failure Has Become My Comfort Zone
Fear of failure has always driven me—forced me to strive to do better. I constantly pushed myself. This fear drove me through graduate school. I fought hard for my PhD. I gave up a huge part of me to earn it. At times I wonder if it was even worth it. It has been exactly two years since I packed my bags and walked out of my (ex) husband’s apartment. For the last two years, fear has crippled me—to the point that failure has been what I am expecting. COVID has trapped me in a head full of fears. Fear of losing people I love, fear of abandonment, fear of losing my job, fear of failing at my job, fear of not making a difference, fear of being a burden to those around me, fear of losing my mind, fear that I am not enough.
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Ugly, Fat, Heavy, Weak…
Today I feel ugly, ungainly, heavy, awkward. I changed my outfit 6 times this morning, and I couldn’t stand myself in any of the outfits. If you look through my phone, I have 1000s of selfies. I take pics take so that I can objectively look at myself. By taking pictures I can distance myself for my body and feelings. Logically, I know I can’t look any different than I did yesterday. Mentally, I’m having a hard time accepting that. I’m terrified that I’m going to gain the few pounds I lost this year. I’m terrified the little leaning out I saw, has disappeared.
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Normal human emotion? or mental illness?
I was filled with insecurity, instability helplessness, and loss of control with respect to the future of my job. This feeling pervaded in all areas of my life. I was insecure in my relationships. I felt out of control and helpless when it came to my body and mind. I tried to control what I could by applying to new jobs, but even that was met with rejections. My future was insecure, which triggered debilitating fear, fatigue, and a loss of interest in life. All of this was further fueled by the helpless I felt when my grandmother became ill. I messaged my friends less and less.
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Pain
One thing I’m absolutely sure of is that in life, we all will have to endure pain. And humans have a great capacity to endure pain and inflict pain on others. And its true, if it doesn’t kill you, it will definitely make you stronger.
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Bad Days...Sometimes Weeks
I still struggle with the thoughts of feeling like I cannot maintain a routine. These thoughts are quickly replaced by thoughts that I am reversing all the progress I have made in the last two months, which are then replaced by thoughts that I am going to be in that same dark place of utter despair and hopelessness. I am aware that these notions are cognitive distortions full of emotional reasoning, magnification, and filtered thinking. I’m afraid I’m slipping.
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Love. Marriage. Divorce
It has been over a year since my marriage ended. He filed for divorce on our 7th marriage anniversary. I didn’t know it at the time, but this divorce was one of the greatest blessings in my life. I found out how loved I am—by my parents, my sister, my family in India, my parents’ community, my friends, by random people I met along the way. For such a long time, I was defined as David’s wife—I lost sight of me, as an individual. The love and joy I brought to others were given back to me.
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My Body Different
The doctor told me if I didn’t turn my life around my pancreas could fail in 3 months. Again, I was angry at my body, devastated that the diagnosis would impact my life, prospects of pregnancy and future children, jealous of the other grad students who didn’t have to deal with their “lifestyle”. At the time I didn’t know anyone else going through the same health issues. I was alone. I was angry that I was harassed about my body weight for something I had no control over. At the same time, I was relieved that there was an answer to why my body was different.
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Why Me?
Have you ever had the thought, “why me?” Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? No matter what our religious beliefs, I am sure we have thought about this question when unpleasant events happen to us. My grandma-in-law used to say, “God will not give you more than you can handle”, and at time it does feel more than we can handle. In the last year I have been asking this question a lot.
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Establishing A Routine
The overwhelming love, support, and well wishes that I have been receiving from everyone has been so encouraging. Today I wanted to write about some of the positive changes I have made to my life; mostly to remind myself how far I have already come, but if it is of any help to you that is a bonus! Recent changes have been some tweaks and establishing a daily routine that has been super beneficial for me.
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Starting Over
Today I want to share with you some tough and very personal decisions I had to make recently. This is my first time addressing it out loud. But if my story and journey can help others, then I want to help and share this part of me.
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Beauty
And so, I decided to re-brand and call it SS Beauty and focus on beauty as a whole. For now, as I start this journey in rebuilding my life, I will share posts about my progress for those who need to hear it.
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