Love. Marriage. Divorce
First Comes Love…then Comes Marriage…then Comes a Ba—Divorce
Hellow my pretties!
Yesterday, I did this thing while I was driving, and at a stop light, I rubbed my thumb on my ring finger. It’s a fidget I used to have. I was so shocked at myself, because I haven’t done this since I took the ring off over a year ago. The tan line is almost completely gone.
Today, I woke up with a fear (small, tiny fear) of what could happen if I regress into the darkness that I was in—full of insecurities, self-doubts and self-hatred. I don’t ever want to be there again. So, while I’m in this wonderful headspace of recovery, reflection and self-love, I want to write about my divorce and life afterwards. To remind myself how far I have come and how far I will go. I want to write down the things I have learned on the way. And if any of this resonates with you, you will get through this! You will be happy again, and you don’t need him! Pour all the love you had for him, into yourself, because you, my dear, are worth it.
Dave Bjergaard was my best friend and the love of my life—and I have zero regrets that I married him and zero regrets that I married him at the young, naive age of 22. We had been together for 3 years. I knew who I was and what I wanted in life, and at the time he wanted similar things. We supported each other through our respective PhD programs. I took his family as my own, and he took mine as his. Our entire married life was filled with love, a lot of laughs, a lot of tears, a lot of growth. My PhD was grueling and incredibly hard to get through, and I couldn’t have done it without Dave, and my friends.
During my last two years, Dave took a job in DC. I encouraged him to, I wanted him to succeed, and I did not want to be the wife that held back his dreams. I allowed his dreams to become a part of mine. I supported him through the move. The distance was incredibly hard, but we made it work. It slowed down my PhD further, but I tried to be there as much as I could.
I spent that first year of our long-distance marriage, very depressed. But finally, something clicked. How I feel about my PhD and the situation was my choice. A mutual friend of ours, asked me to do her make-up for her wedding—and she said it was because of my energy, positivity, and personality. This was something I had never changed throughout grad school, but it was a façade. That is not who I became on the inside. On her wedding day, I told myself this was the last time I will complain to myself. It was the last time I was going to fake it from the outside. I will be happy, and I will be positive. My biggest asset is my personality and I will keep spreading that joy. I will not let my PhD and life events affect that. My degree doesn’t define me, I define me. The love I give to myself and others define me.
I loved my husband, but I loved me too. For me, the divorce came out of nowhere. Maybe, he had been thinking about it for a while, maybe I didn’t see the signs, maybe I didn’t see the red flags. But you can get lost with the what ifs and maybes.
True heartbreak knocks the wind out of you, and only you will feel it—all alone. I didn’t realize that heartbreak not only was mental and emotional, but physical. My body hurt, my chest hurt, my lungs hurt. I was constantly holding my breath—hoping to wake up from a bad nightmare. The nightmares I had about my PhD advisor, got quickly replaced with those of my husband. He changed before my eyes. I didn’t know him anymore. He was no longer the man I married. I was hurt, I was scared, for months I lived in fear, confusion, betrayal, self-loathing, because somehow it was all my fault.
Failure is my biggest fear. And the end of a marriage feels like failure. We need to stop defining success as a degree or marriage or kids or a job where you make a good salary. Success is being true to yourself and loving yourself. It is the only thing in life we can control.
It has been over a year since my marriage ended. He filed for divorce on our 7th marriage anniversary. I didn’t know it at the time, but this divorce was one of the greatest blessings in my life. I found out how loved I am—by my parents, my sister, my family in India, my parents’ community, my friends, by random people I met along the way. For such a long time, I was defined as David’s wife—I lost sight of me, as an individual. The love and joy I brought to others were given back to me.
My friends and I speculated over and over again for the possible reasons he could have left me. None being the reason he gave me—that I was an awful, mean, nasty person that deserved to die alone. The theories were insane ranging from joining a cult to settling gambling debt to him being a spy to closeted homosexuality to more plausible ones like mental illness and finding another woman. The truth is, it really doesn’t matter what the reason was, it wasn’t going to change what I was feeling and the pain that I would have to get over.
I truly felt alone in my feelings, and in a way you are alone. My married friends telling me that I’m better off didn’t help—their marriage didn’t end after all. My single friends told me it’s a great time to “find myself”—whatever that means, and what do they know they haven’t been married. That feeling of being alone was overwhelming—and the pandemic made it worse. I was all alone with my thoughts, and thoughts gave rise to feelings.
I actually found solace in TikTok. It was the first time I had exposure to other women going through similar experiences and tons of women giving advice and support. I’ve always been an open person, but I started opening up to strangers—the manager at my gym or the person that was filling in for my hairdresser—and I was able to hear their life stories.
The following are some of things that I learned along the way:
1. Oftentimes (not always) people find in a partner what they are lacking, or a void to fill. In reality, we should be a whole person, and we should find the whole person that will make us both a better version of ourselves.
2. Someone asked me to make a list of everything I’ve wanted to do, and do them, and do them now—so far, I have my first TikTok makeup video!
3. One woman told me, that she got all her mistakes and learning out of the way when she married at the age of 20. She told me to keep my standards high, and not waste time on people that will derail the life we made for us. I’m whole, so I need to find someone whole. This conversation made me take a step back and realize that I am worth the wait for that someone who has grown as much as I have—that may come soon or 5, 10 years from now.
4. The language we use during our self-talk or assessment of events directly impacts our feelings. Events lead to thoughts, and thoughts lead to emotions. If your thoughts are distorted, then your emotional reaction is further from what the reality of the situation is. Surround yourself with people that uplift you and don’t pay attention to these “distortions”, avoid people that reinforce them.
5. Communication is key. You can’t expect or demand a reaction from someone else. You have control over your own words and actions. And it’s a choice you make every day.
6. Treat yourself. Get your hair done. Get your nails done. Do your make up for you. Go shopping (online of course). You are beautiful and you deserve to feel that way. Always.
It took me awhile—after all that relationship was 10 years, but finally I have started pouring that love into myself…again. Reading, writing, working on creative pieces, working out for me, sleeping on time, for me, eating healthy for me, understanding my thoughts, and the feelings that arise from those thoughts. With each day I get stronger and have more self-compassion. I see myself for the person I’ve become, the person I am and the person I will be. I am worth it, and I deserve to love myself.
Those bad memories are in the distant past, and I remember the good memories of that someone I used to know. You will never love someone like the way you loved your first love. But that doesn’t mean you won’t love whole-heartedly again. My love was blind, and in a way that is the beauty of love. I still believe in love, and I still believe in marriage. You will be happy again. My dears, love yourself, no one will love you like you do. You are strong. You are beautiful. You will get through this. Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to and hear your story. DM me on IG @goldengirl27708, message me on FB, or email me at swarnali@ssbcosmetics.com
I don’t know if he will ever see this, but to my first love, David Bjergaard—happy birthday. I hope you find your happiness.
Stay Golden,
Swarnali