My Body Different
Hellow my pretties!
Day by day I’m getting better. I can manage my mood swings and emotions in a healthy, non-destructive way. That doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days, because I do. I try to keep my posts positive because positive thoughts keep my head in the right space, but at the same time I want to capture a realistic snapshot of how bad it was or could be, so I don’t find myself in that space again. With this new head space, I have slowly started to change my relationship with my own body. It still is a work in progress.
All my life I felt that my body was a separate entity from my “self” or consciousness. I’ve felt that I have been fighting against my body, and my body is fighting back against me. I grew up in a culture that loves to comment on anything and everything without a filter. This completely shaped my body and self-image through my teens and 20s. My cousins teased me about my weight, calling me fat and heavy. Once I remember I was being careful of the food I chose to eat and a cousin stated, “A small cup of water makes no difference when you pour it into the ocean”, referring to the fat content of my food vs the fat on my body. I faced plenty of criticism about my body, my skin color, and how it would affect my prospects of marriage. Every time I have gone back to India, I was told that I had gained weight—and that was the focus of initial conversations. People asked me how I could be so fat if I didn’t eat much. Each meal would be anxiety provoking. Every measure of strength, self-confidence, and independence that I had built up in America, would be destroyed when I visited my family in India. I grew up with extreme self-hatred towards my body and I wanted to crawl out of my skin and completely dissociate.
In the United States, we are now slowly starting to have body positive movements as we see a larger presence of diverse body types on social media. There was a trending TikTok video claiming, “my body different”, which inspired me to write this post. Body positivity and self-love need to be a societal shift in both Western and Eastern cultures. Only by practicing self-compassion and self-love can we love and appreciate others.
My first year of graduate school was one of my toughest years. I was extremely depressed, partly because I was euthanizing mice for a research project that didn’t work, and mostly because I had an advisor that told me I was incompetent for not getting the project to work. I was extremely lethargic and tired. I would want to sleep by 1 pm every day. I started craving spicy foods and I was frequently waking up at night to use the bathroom. I started gaining weight. These are signs of thyroid dysfunction that can be tested through blood work.
The second year of graduate school I finally went into student health and got my bloodwork done. Luckily, my thyroid was normal. I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), insulin resistance, and severe vitamin D deficiency.
PCOS affects 1 in 10 women of child-bearing age and is characterized by hormonal imbalance and issues with metabolism. Symptoms include obesity and irregular menstrual cycles. PCOS is genetic and is passed on from the mother and aunts. This diagnosis explained my inability to lose weight, and gain weight despite the amount I ate.
Insulin resistance is a condition when your cells have an issue recognizing insulin and therefore glucose uptake is poor, giving you elevated blood sugar levels. Insulin resistance is a precursor to Type II diabetes. This condition can be tested by measuring your hemoglobin A1c, which usually isn’t done unless your fasting blood sugar is over 100 mg/mL. Often times insulin resistance is associated with PCOS. This diagnosis also explained my inability to lose weight, and frequent bathroom trips.
Severe vitamin D deficiency leads to fatigue and tiredness. People with high levels of melanin are predisposed to an insufficiency. This explained my extreme tiredness and lethargy.
Acanthosis nigricans is a congenital skin disorder marked by velvety dark skin, that can indicate underlying endocrine disorders.
The doctor told me if I didn’t turn my life around my pancreas could fail in 3 months. I also learned, the dark marks on my neck that I got made fun of as a kid for being “dirty” is actually a condition called acanthosis nigricans, which is associated with endocrine disorders. Again, I was angry at my body, devastated that the diagnosis would impact my life, prospects of pregnancy and future children, jealous of the other grad students who didn’t have to deal with their “lifestyle”. At the time I didn’t know anyone else going through the same health issues. I was alone. I was angry that I was harassed about my body weight for something I had no control over. At the same time, I was relieved that there was an answer to why my body was different.
Within a year, I was able to turn my life around. I learned how to balance a plate. I learned how to eat more protein and fiber, and count carbs without counting calories. I initially lost 30 pounds, but then I started weight training. Powerlifting caused me to gain weight because I put on a lot of muscle. Again, I was faced with comments like, “What is the purpose of lifting if you still get heavy?”, “Being muscular makes you masculine”, or “Being this heavy makes you look super old even though you are super young. Maybe you should try exercise.”
Weight training and powerlifting is extremely, extremely beneficial for insulin resistance because muscle mass has more glucose receptors available, causing your resting metabolism of glucose to be higher. Not enough insulin resistant people powerlift. Powerlifting also gave me mental strength and confidence. My self-image improved (although it only existed in the confines of the gym). These changes all seem good and positive, but I struggled mentally and physically for 10 years. Not focusing on the scale is so difficult. Now I’m in a space where I’m focusing on my routine rather than my numbers. I’m consistently walking and lifting 5 days a week. I found that I’m sleeping better, my heart rate has dropped, my mood swings are better, and even though I haven’t changed weight, I have started to lean out—and I just deadlifted 190 lbs for 3 sets of 3 reps! 😊
I have now been on this strict morning routine for 7 weeks. I am excited to continue my journey without focusing on the scale and slowly improve my mental and physical health. I’m trying to accept the things I cannot change, have courage to change the things I can, and gain wisdom to know the difference. To all the people who judge others’ appearances—educate yourself, everyone has a story and everyone’s body is different.
Stay golden,
Swarnali
