Why Me?
Good Afternoon My Pretties,
Have you ever had the thought, “why me?” Why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? No matter what our religious beliefs, I am sure we have thought about this question when unpleasant events happen to us. My grandma-in-law used to say, “God will not give you more than you can handle”, and at time it does feel more than we can handle. In the last year I have been asking this question a lot.
Why do I have both PCOS AND insulin resistance? Why doesn’t my sister? Why did I have such an abusive PhD advisor? Why did I have to endure the mental torture for 7.5 years? Everyone told me that life gets immediately better after finishing your PhD. Why didn’t it? Why did my husband—best friend—partner of 10 years tell me that the marriage was over? Why did I have to go through all the ugliness that is divorce at the age of 29? Why did he do this to me? Why did he hurt me so much? Why me? What did I do to deserve all of it? Why do I have a “mental illness”? And why do I have to make life-long changes to deal with it? How is it that I feel that the unpleasant events that I had no control over completely derailed my existence and mental stability? It’s not fair. None of this is fair.
As I have been reflecting on my life, I have been actively trying to change the language that I use in my inner thoughts. Yesterday morning, I woke up with a completely new thought—one that I have never experienced in my life.
Why me? What did I do to have the amazing, supportive people in my life? I have the most loving, loyal, absolutely “to die for” friends. Friends that held me and cried with me during my divorce. Friends that provided me shelter and comfort when I felt unsafe at home. Friends that flew across the country just for one day to appear in court for my divorce hearing to look my ex-husband in the eye to remind him that I’ll never be alone. Friends that would come over and make mac and cheese when I was incredibly stressed out and alone before my defense—unprompted. Friends that would stay up late analyzing data with me and help me wrap up the paper that came out of my thesis. Never once, have I asked myself, what did I do to deserve them? Why me? Why am I so lucky?
I have a family that loves me unconditionally. Parents that constantly adapt, learn and support me, reminding me that I AM enough, that I AM strong, that I AM beautiful, and that I make them proud each and every day. I have a family that rejected the stigma of divorce in a culture that looks down upon it, and said you deserve better and you deserve more. They stood by me every step of the way. Why me? Why am I so lucky?
After living with my parents for five months (which is another experience I will one day write about), I was fortunate enough to land a job in a consulting firm in a city that I always wanted to live in since I was 19. I found out that I am extremely good with clients, that I’m incredibly creative, and that I add value to the firm. I found really supportive friends in my co-workers. I quickly met new people in Philadelphia. I reconnected with old friends that introduced me to new friends. I found out that I was able to love again—and love unconditionally. I learned that I have endless capacity to love and allow people into my heart. Through this diagnosis, friends have shown me so much love and support, reminding me that I can get through this, and without judgement.
So why me? Why did I get the opportunity to study at Duke University? Why did I have the strength to finish and earn my PhD? Why did I have the strength to move to a new city and start over? Why do I have this wonderful opportunity to structure and better my life? How am I so blessed with all the relationships I have in my life? I would never trade any of my friendships for the relationship I had with my ex-husband.
Sometimes the glass is more than half full =). That doesn’t mean we won’t be sad, upset, and hurt, but if you take a step back there might be more good in your life than bad. Its perspective. You are special, worthy, and important to someone, even though you may be going through some bad shit.
Stay Golden My Pretties,
Swarnali