What would you tell your younger self?

To my 16-year-old self (and whoever wants/needs to hear this),

Hi there. Don’t stress so much! You really are good enough, exactly the way you are. Your parents love you, and they believe in you. They push because really, they are just as scared. It’s hard being a parent—raising two girls in a country with such different values from the way they are raised. But they are doing the best they can, and really, they want you to be happy. They will always support you, no matter how badly you think you messed up. They will have given you all the tools you will need to achieve what you want.

Hey, seriously! Don’t stress so much. Yes, you will graduate at the top of your high school class. You think there are a lot of what ifs, but you will still be the top. College? Of course you’ll get in, don’t be silly. You will be rejected from 8 of the 10 schools you will apply to. You won’t get into any of the Ivy Leagues, and you know what? That doesn’t take away from your worth. In the end it won’t even matter.

College will be fun, but it will be hard. You won’t be the best in your class, in fact, your future best friend will be. You’ll be…eh…average. You will struggle in a math class, that you will end up dropping. It will actually feel like a failure. And you know what? Ma and Babi will still love you at the end of it. It doesn’t mean you, my dear, are a failure. In fact, you won’t be the best at anything, or so you will think in college. But don’t measure yourself against other people. You are special.

Friends? You make friend easily, you know that. You are comfortable around people. Friends are important. You will make many friends in college. You would do anything for them—you always go all in. Not everyone’s like that (but it is not a bad trait). Your best friend will hurt you. In fact, a lot of people will turn their backs on you. You will feel betrayed, lost, and extremely hurt. But that doesn’t mean you are a failure. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a good person. You aren’t a failure. And you still are a good person. Ask yourself what can you learn from this? Is there something you could have changed, and will change about your own behavior? Then move on. Don’t dwell. Don’t lose your values and give up the things you love most over this event, or future events.

This event will change your life in more ways than you can imagine. You will meet someone—someone unexpected and very special. You won’t even know it at the time, because you will be so focused on the people that hurt you. But you have something extremely special and valuable in you. You love unconditionally, even when you are hurt. You bring new people into your life and love them like you have never been hurt. You protect them, you show up for them, you stand by them.

You will spend a lot of energy upset at the people that wronged you; this one girl will too. And finally, when you are ready to no longer be upset, she will support you 100%. You will realize that she is your best friend. You will share in each other’s successes, joys, sorrows, stresses, breakups. You guys will go through rough patches and disagreements, but you will always be there for each other. She will continue to love and support you for years and years to come. You will do anything for her and expect nothing back. Don’t you ever let her go.

Don’t worry, you will have a normal college experience. Parties, and clubbing, and drunken nights, and running through bad parts of town without a care, and dance team shenanigans, and guys.  Guys will like you in college. Many guys. Afterall, why wouldn’t they? You give off confidence that you might not even know you have. You will meet the love of your life. And marry him.

You will go to the PhD program of your dreams and move back to North Carolina, have a house and two cats with your husband. You will face what you will think are the hardest 8 years of your life. Eight grueling years of research, of your advisor telling you that you are not good enough, health issues, mental health issues. Your husband will stand by you, every step. You won’t be alone. Your friends will stand by you, you won’t be alone. Your parents will stand by you, you won’t be alone. You will internalize the things your advisor will tell you. You will believe every single word—that you are lazy, you are incompetent, you are stupid, you just aren’t trying hard enough, that you are un-hirable, that you will never land a job. Try and remember, that you aren’t defined by your degree, your relationship status, or what other people tell you. Science will hardly ever cooperate with you, but you aren’t any less. You are good, you are worth it. You will spend YEARS, trying to get over the emotional abuse.

And don’t you worry, you will get your PhD—you won’t know what to do with it, but you will get it. And the day you defend, 100 people will show up to stand by you, because of the person you are. You spread love and happiness everywhere you go. Your success isn’t going to be finishing your degree, your success will be the grace with which you finish it. The fact that you will continue to smile and love despite what you will go through will be your real strength and success.

So why are you stressing? Your life looks pretty good. But what if I told you, the love of your life will leave you? You will get divorced. Your mind and heart will shatter into millions of pieces. You will spend 3 years in the darkest of places as you slowly put the pieces back together. You will relive the memories of the man that once told you he loved you. You convince yourself everyone you love will abandon you. You will convince yourself that you are not worthy of love and happiness. You will get a new job, start a new career, make really good money, live in a beautiful glass apartment that overlooks a Center City in Philadelphia. You will relive every moment you felt like a failure in grad school. You will convince yourself you are worthless. This job will take a mental toll on you, and your mind will shatter further.

But hey, you still aren’t a failure—and even if you will feel alone at times, you won’t be. You will still have your best friend, your grad school friends, and you make tons of friends along the way. You don’t think so now, but your little sister will end up pulling you out of the darkest of times; lean on her. You will attract many people—some good, many bad. Men won’t treat you right, but you will learn from it. Hey some women won’t treat you right. You will learn to let people in your life and you will learn to let them go.

But I’ll tell you, you will overcome. You will pick up the pieces one by one. You will get a new job, you will make new friends, you will keep old friends. You will be loved by people around you—but because you continue to put love out there in the world. You will be happy. Success won’t look like what you imagine it to be. In fact, your strength will never be on your resume. You know how talk to people, make them feel safe—allow them to open up. You touch people’s lives, make them feel a type of way no one has ever made them feel. You communicate well, and people will rely on you. People will love you. That is rare, that is special. And you know what’s crazy? You are only 16, and you already do those things. You will just take 16 years of living and surviving to realize that you had it in you the whole time. So stop stressing! You really are good enough, exactly the way you are.

Ok 16-year-old me—I know right now it seems like it’s a lot to go through just to find out you don’t need to be anything else but yourself, but that journey will be worth it. Because you have something better in store…a life you cannot even imagine. Everything will work out and you will be extremely happy.  But little one, be patient and have faith. What that life will look like, even I don’t know. You will have to grow up and find that one out. Now go study, you still have an English essay to write, and a physics test you can’t fail. And if you do fail…Ma and Babi will probably be disappointed, but they will still love you.

Love,

Your future self.