Starting Over
Good morning my beauties,
Today I want to share with you some tough and very personal decisions I had to make recently. This is my first time addressing it out loud. But if my story and journey can help others, then I want to help and share this part of me.
After struggling with mental health issues for about 8 years, and PCOS/insulin resistance for a little longer, I finally decided to take some time off from work for myself. I am using this time to seek help, treatment, cognitive therapy and establish a routine that allows me to lead a healthy, balanced lifestyle. It took me many months to come to this decision, and basically, I came at a cross-road where I had to ask myself, is my job worth my life? The answer is no. And the answer is no for you too, and anyone that has any sort of compassion will tell you the same. There will always be work, but if you are not healthy, safe, and happy, you can’t do your job well.
Pandemic has been hard for everyone; especially hard for those who are extreme extroverts, like me. I think after moving to Philadelphia, I was able to tune out my internal dialogue with noise and chatter from work, the new people I met, and the old friends I hold so dearly. But with the isolation due to COVID, I was alone—alone with all the negative thoughts, memories, and insecurities of the past. And those voices became louder and louder. COVID also brought about an unforeseen amount of work. As a consultant, much of our work can be done virtually, and our company transitioned quite nicely into the virtual world. I began working long, and weird hours where I would not be able to get up and eat a balance meal. My health suffered. I was in constant panic and anxiety. While I was working, I could be doing million things at once; but the more I worked and more I accomplished, the harder I would crash and have bouts of uncontrollable crying, despair, hopelessness. At times it would get so dark that I contemplated taking my own life. Not because I didn’t think I deserved to live, but because I wanted the mental torture and entrapment between his and lows to stop. I was in an immense amount of pain and confusion, and I wanted an out.
I finally sought help, and the diagnosis was even more difficult to deal with than I thought it would be. I didn’t understand what it meant about me. I didn’t want to be labeled as mentally ill. I didn’t want to seem weak or as a failure. I didn’t want people making assumptions about me. I didn’t want people to see the “crazy” that I had been feeling. I finally had the courage to confide in a few friends from work, and they encouraged me to take time off and go to therapy and start my life over.
My parents have been incredibly supportive and surprisingly adaptive to the changes I have been making in my life. I have never felt so loved and supported in my life. I feel that the situations in my life has forced them to constantly change their views; and for that I am so grateful and incredibly touched. They helped me get through the last three weeks of work. I have made new friends that provide a new support system and remind me every day that I’m not alone; and that even with all the things I am going through, I am still the lovable, approachable, warm person I always used to be. My old friends have always been a rock, and continue to support me—albeit, virtually.
If any of this resonates with you, please seek help immediately. Please don’t be afraid to share with your friends and family; you may be surprised how supported you will feel. You aren’t alone. If you have no one else to reach out to or you want additional support, please reach out to me at swarnali@ssbcosmetics.com or DM me on instragram @goldengirl27708.
More to come later!
Stay Golden My Pretties,
Swarnali